My Word for 2011

I didn’t have “a word” for 2010. I was introduced to the idea then, but it just didn’t click. This year, it seems to fit more…but in true Lisa fashion, I didn’t really think about it until now.

The last night of 2010. Nothing like a little pressure.

Honestly, I’d thrown around a couple of words. But in realizing I only have a few hours left, I’ve been searching Thesauruses (Thesauri??), cheating by looking at others’ words, meditating in hopes I’d have an epiphany, and gazing into my crystal ball. (Ok, maybe not the last one. But wouldn’t that be cool??)

I felt the pressure to find the right word. After all, it’s going to carry me through an entire year! What if I picked a word and then on January 2nd I think of a MUCH better one, like some perfect comeback that pops in your head two hours after the argument is over…what a failure I’d be! (*snicker*)

To my lovely sisters in the Tribe, I had offered “Dharma”. It had struck something in me. Seemed broad enough. Pretty unique. But it had only plucked one string…not played a chord.

***

Of course, the answer was the hat on my head that I’d turned the house upside-down to find. Right here. What has been floating around LifeUnity the past few weeks? What have I said it all begins with? (Quiz time – you get a happy face sticker if you guess correctly)


Awareness.

It all begins with awareness.

There are reasons I want to not use this word.

1. You’ve already heard it. It feels like giving a big drum roll and then opening the 2-story red velvet curtain to reveal…….canned spam. Eh. 
2.  It is “my word”. The biggie. The one that is already changing everything. How can that be a word of the year – just one year? What happens when 2012 rolls around? Can I use “awareness-est”
3. It scares me. Honestly. To commit to this is committing to you (and more importantly, to myself), to LIVE this word. 

And while I can get over the fact that the big moment might have been a let-down (this doesn’t usually happen, promise!), and have faith that I’ll find an equally exciting word on Dec. 31st, 2011, that last reason is a stumper.

Living awareness means being constantly aware – of who I am and how I am consequently acting based off of that awareness. It means knowing my phenomenal self and taking responsibility for that self. 


It means that when I’m fighting with hubby and I’m aware that I’m turning into psycho-wife or that he may just be right (if it happens to be 1 of the 999 times that he is), I have to acknowledge that. Out loud. Yeah. Bet the thought of that scares you too.

Or if I read or see something that no longer harmonizes with my song (for example, business techniques that just feel…dehumanizing), being aware of my discomfort and not charging right along with the crowd. No matter how many thousands of people are dancing to the other music.

There are so many more situations I can think of to use as examples, but I’m getting a bit queasy thinking about them. Right here, right now, I’m shaking it off and moving into awareness.


So there you are. My word – my practice - for 2011: Awareness.


I will continue to blog about how this manifests in my life, how it ties in with Yoga and Buddhism and art and running and parenting and shaving and belly blob. I will probably become more adamant about you becoming more aware as well. (I love you and all, but I selfishly don’t want to constantly bump into a whole bunch of sleepwalkers.)

And we’ll continue our journey together, scratching out the 2010 for the next few weeks on documents as we forget our mindful awareness.


In full awareness and with wishes for many beautiful days ahead,

Namaste and Happy New Year.

The Messenger

Last night, I had a chat with an amazing friend.  She is not only completely grounded and inspirational, but she also sees me.  That alone is invaluable.

Among other things, we discussed my ongoing awakening to my animal spirit*, the Hawk.

*Before I lose those who don't get animal spirits or feel it is a bit too whoo-woo, just think of it this way: There is something that keeps showing up in my life and it does so repeatedly and in frequently unexplainable situations.  It is odd enough that I am paying attention.  Sound fair?

Image from: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.thelensflare.com/large/hawk_22928.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thelensflare.com/gallery/p_hawk_22928.php&usg=__7QU9XXTMUoWAyBW33rsBYr0dMnU=&h=389&w=500&sz=63&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=PhUjCExJlnjGLM:&tbnh=128&tbnw=162&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dhawk%2Bphotos%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DX%26biw%3D1247%26bih%3D633%26tbs%3Disch:10,27&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=130&vpy=354&dur=402&hovh=142&hovw=183&tx=116&ty=180&ei=lJocTdb1LoymnAfy5MHNDQ&oei=lJocTdb1LoymnAfy5MHNDQ&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=23&ved=1t:429,r:15,s:0&biw=1247&bih=633

I've done a lot of looking into the meaning of the Hawk and have focused on the "seeing the bigger picture" aspect.

During our conversation, my brilliant friend focused on the fact that the Hawk is a "messenger".  That perhaps this is to what I am supposed to listen: I am to be a messenger.  I talk frequently about this...feeling that I innately understand "out-there" things, concepts that may be elusive to others.  Concepts that are crucial to awakened, peaceful living.  Concepts that are generally ignored in the plight of mundane living.  I'm also not willing to fly away to a mountain-top (yet) and meditate on these for years.

So perhaps I am to be the messenger here and now, to share that which (I and) others need, to do so in the muck of the real world.

This alone wasn't that new, but the other aspect she brought up - that perhaps I am afraid to do this - was like a punch in the gut.  A pleasant one, if there can be such a thing.

The fear that I don't understand the message well enough to share it.  The fear that I won't share it in an appropriate manner and the message will get lost in translation.  The fear that I'll get too preachy.  The fear that I won't get preachy enough and will just be a soft self-help guru while the true depth of message lies untapped and unheard.

I am continuing to be with this, knowing this is where today, tomorrow (and 2011, if I want to think in those terms) is taking me.  I know that those of you who read this need what I have to say in some form or fashion (be it about my personal story or other), and that i need to hear you just as much.

I am hurrying this post as life scurrys on around me - hubby & kids are ready to leave.  Time (and to-do's) march on.

But moving into who I am, I knew I had to share this message first.

(Please share: Is there anything you've heard recently - with ears or otherwise - that is calling you to listen??)

Namaste.

Plans, Procrastination, Problems, and Inner Peace

The short version:

Plans for New Year's Eve fell through.  In my thoroughly chaotic mind, this connected to business-related success-driven actions and my recent aversion to all-things-"success-based" and caused a thorough review of my motivations and inner peace. (Yep, welcome to my world.)

I learned a lesson, am feeling more satisfied, but still have no plans for New Year's Eve.

The longer version:

We had plans to stay in a condo with family on New Years Eve.  Because of our procrastination (another lesson: don't make plans based on reservations that haven't been made), they filled up.  We are now left with the choice to go nutty (call all around to find a hotel with availability and hopefully a suite so the kids can sleep while adults stay up, find a place to board the dog, potentially spend way more than we were planning - all in the name of "doing something" on New Years) or staying at home for a quiet celebration.

I will admit - I'm bummed.  I tend to get easily disappointed when anything I'm looking forward to falls through.  The situation didn't even have to be an actual plan.  If the seed was planted in my head and then it didn't happen, it's just as disappointing as if an actual event fell through.

It's the same with the mini-marathon in 2011 (which I may not be able to run do to a possible surgery - more on that later) and a fancy new website.  I can deeply envision success with both.  I have my positive visions of crossing the finish line; of clicking on lifeunity.com and visiting a site that makes me smile.

It is so hard to accept what is.  I stumble after what could be.  We all do.  The drive for success is completely based on what could be.

Now don't get me wrong.  I don't think this drive is bad per se.  It keeps us moving instead of laying in bed all day and wasting away.  To live, to experience new things, we must know and embrace change.  And why not dream about, have some sort of conscious part in that flow of change?

The danger comes because in clamoring after success or the race or the party, the "what could be" becomes "good" and the "what is" becomes bad - that which we are trying to move away from.

The more I focused on what could be, the more I didn't want what is.

And therein lies the problem.

Actions become motivated by aversion.  There is a big difference between acting (thinking, dreaming) while in acceptance of our current circumstances and acting to avoid those circumstances.  Change happens either way, but our inner peace differs dramatically.  2011 is going to arrive whether I'm ready for it or not.  Whether the midnight switch (and, depending on whether my lesson is learned, each moment after that) involves peace is up to me.

What is is all we have.  If we can't appreciate that, we certainly won't appreciate what was or what will be.  On Friday night, I will probably be at home with sleeping kiddos, clinking glasses with hubby at midnight as we watch the ball light up on t.v.  If I just observe that, I feel quite fortunate to be in that position. 

But just in case: if anyone in southern Indiana knows of any good (family-friendly but adult-interesting) New Year's parties, you can still let me know...

Busi-ness.

This holiday season, more than any other, I appreciate the meaning of "busy".

In the past 9 days I have driven over 1100 miles.  (And yet, I have not gone outside a 180 mile radius of our home.) In one day alone, the kids and I drove over 8 hours...starting and ending at our house.  I've attended 6 parties and spent the night at our own house less than half of those nights.

In the midst of all of it, I kept saying yes to each new opportunity.  I was exhausted.  The kids' bedtime became non-existent.  I drove on snow-covered roads where lanes were invisible and drivers just staggered themselves appropriately.  I all but disappeared from my blog, FB, and Twitter, the clutter in the house kept growing as we'd run in, re-pack, and head back out, and I'm pretty sure I missed an appointment or two in there.  (Sorry again, Kathy!)  

And I would do it all again.

The only difference?  I would remember my self in all of it.

We all tend to get busy -- whether it is a project at work, family schedules, an art project with a deadline (*ahem* - Sketchbook Project....), classes...  In fact, many people seem to thrive on it.  Yet most people, like myself from this past week, just wind up feeling exhausted and cranky.  (Yep - cranky momma.  Not a pretty site.)

What sticks out to me is two main points:

What exactly you are busy doing or being and Where You are in all of it.

I was fortunate to be busy connecting with others.  Seeing friends and family, sharing stories and drinks, travelling with well-behaved children and singing Christmas songs (over and over and over and over and...).

At the end of it, though, I just feel wiped.  In the interest of maintaining the "busy schedule", I let go of healthy eating.  I let go of my yoga practice.  I let go of connecting with all of you - even if just for a short "hello".  I let myself go.

So even though I was busy and happy, I was slowly draining myself of energy.  If I would have kept this up, I would have unconsciously started relying on others for energy (using emotional tactics to draw anger or sympathy, physically relying on others to do things I could have done myself, etc.).  If I had to guess, you know someone like this - or have been there yourself.  (We all have.)

As the days continue - holiday season, new year resolutions, exciting upcomings or not, I invite you to pay attention to your "busi-ness".  When and where and why are you busy?  Are you really there when you feel busy?  How do you feel when you are done?

As for me, I plan to hide some of this holiday chocolate and continue with the laundry.  I'll find the kids somewhere in their pile of toys and pull them out for lunch.  I'll continue to reflect on 2010 and dream of 2011.

But busy or not, I'll keep re-membering myself.

Still Here

Yes, I'm still here.

Amidst unexpected travels, nights away from home, unplowed roads, blessed times with friends and family, coughs and colds, family history - and stories - bubbling up from ancestorial depths, wine, far too much food, and repeated nights of no sleep until after 2 a.m. ....

I'm still here.


I have regrets that I haven't been able to share with you all that has occurred, to pass along some fascinating wisdom that will begin to germinate on this Winter solstice and grow into....well, an even more fascinating 2011.

I hope to return with more regular blog posts next week.

Until then, may you each enjoy blessings among the chaos.

An Early Morning Reminder

Sometimes, we are asked to slow down.

This morning, I woke at 6 a.m.  It was, of course, a morning where I could have slept in.  School had been cancelled due to the snow and hubby was home until the afternoon anyway to help with rousing children.

My body had other ideas.

Instead of lying in bed trying to squeeze my shut eyes into submission, I gently shuffled into the kitchen and prepared some warm chamomile tea.  I then moved into the living room and turned off any lights behind me.  I sat in front of our large window, letting the tea warm me from the inside, and watched a quiet storybook before me.

The snow was still blue from the dark morning sky.  A substantial overnight storm had erased any traces of previous attempts to clear the ground, creating a glistening sheet that left no hints as to where the road might be.

The whir from the laptop fan started to enter my consciousness (a grating noise that before, I suppose, I'd learned to ignore).  I shut  it off and returned to the hug of silence.

And it was that that most held my awareness.  The silence.  Even the trees seemed to hold themselves in statuesque positions.  No movement.  In other scenarios, it might have been eerie.  Here, in that moment, I was deeply comforted by three words that popped into my head:

Death.  No breath.

Leaves were gone, all signs of emerging life blanketed under this light blue pile of glitter.  Everything held still.  No wind.  No breath.  And it was so absolutely beautiful.  It was as it should be.

With no breath, no cycle of in and out,
no seasons, no clearing out with the exhale and the winter,
no renewing with the inhale and spring,
life would cease.

I wonder - how close do we wander to death each day as we stifle our own breath...our physical breath as we limit deep breathing, rush through days...and our spirit's breath as we lay down in submission to "shoulds" and expectations.

I flirt with the thoughts of death that enter my head - not in a macabre way, but with the silent, still, pristine form that death brings to a vibrant life.  The transition that occurs.  The last exhale of this body so that we may inhale into a new space.

This morning, as my tea dwindled, I admit to returning to bed.  When I re-awoke, the snow plow had bustled up the blanket that had captivated me and the world was again panting all around.  But that beautiful moment of silence, that slow melting into breath and death through my living room window, has stayed with me.

For parents, for workers with bustling jobs, for anyone whose mind is not as still as the trees with no wind, I wish you even one morning where you too can experience this bliss.

Namaste.

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Namaste.