Thursday, November 11, 2010

Losing It

The blue screen of death.

It is something you never want to see on a computer monitor.  And yet, last night, there she was.  Icily staring back at me from the laptop screen.

The kids had been innocently playing on  I was reading in the other room when I started hearing funny noises (from the computer, not the kids).  I went in and saw, "Physical Memory Dump Beginning, 10%, 20%, 30%...Physical Memory Dump Completed."

You can only imagine the funny noises that started emerging from my mouth.

I put the kids to bed (it was bed time, not punishment) as visions of countless hours of repair danced through my head.  Phone calls, emails, ....what had I lost?  Oh my goodness - that file that was open!  I forgot to save it!

And so on.

When I went in to kiss my son goodnight, he asked me to lay with him.  I kept thinking of the screen and whether I should attempt to press F9 or F11 and if praying might appease the laptop gods or maybe I should off a sacrifical DVD......when my son took my ear.  (That's his thing.)

And I was that ear and nothing else.

I felt the soft bristles of his close-cut hair on my cheek and heard his sniffly breathing as he tried to sneak his thumb into his mouth.  I let myself just sink into his well-worn mattress.

How deceptively easy this is to do.  How hard it seems, no matter how much we intellectually crave it, to be with the fleeting beauty of the now.

Even now, I wonder if you are reading this with a thought train chugging in the background, "so what happened to the laptop?  were the computer gods satisfied with the sacrifice?".

I almost lost so much that was irretrievable last night.  It came without warning and would have passed without alarms.  Yet, years from now, when I started wanting would be gone forever.

Time dump completed.

I'm sure you will be relieved to know - last night, I was able to save everything I needed.

(p.s. ok, so while I want to leave on such a beautiful note, I know I'll get a few emails asking about the laptop.  'cause I have caring friends like that.  I love that about you.  

The laptop was recovered.  And the kids will not be using it again.)


  1. Humungous sighs of relief!!! But wow.... you are SO right. So much could have been lost in those moments of heightened crisis, so much irrepairable damage done.... to young lives a whole lot more precious than the laptop's 'memory'. How easy it is to lose perspective, to 'fly off the handle' over superfluous things... to say and do things that afterwards we can so profoundly regret. I so admire your courage and disapline that you were able to block out those panicky thoughts as you lay snuggled in your son's arms... and to simply enjoy the preciousness of those brief and tender moments with him. And I'm sure that decision will reward you most deeply in the years to come.
    Many sparkling blessings to you, sweet friend
    Hugs xxxx

  2. I'm glad you were able to save everything - including a sweet moment with your son!

  3. Ahhh, sweet moments of being truly present...Lisa, you are a wonder. Thank you for sharing this lesson.
    Hugs !

  4. Hi Lisa! So glad to hear that everything turned out okay. I can imagine what was going through your mind. Whew! Your son is adorable! Have a lovely day! :)

  5. Lisa- I'm glad that I just got lost with you. That I wasn't thinking about the laptop when you mentioned snuggling up with your son. My mind happinly trailed back seven years, when Q was 5 and still loved snuggling with his mama. And that time IS priceless. What I wouldn't do now for more of it. But you know what? Even though he is older now and teetering on teenage-dom, we still have beautiful moments that remind me why I was chosen to be his mama. Thank goodness for our children; we learn so much from them! I'm glad you chose to experience the now in that moment:)

  6. I see the double-meaning of all of this. I am glad you chose to indulge in a special moment with your cute little so - even in the face of major computer damages where important work could be lost. In the end, all was saved - without having to compromise. And in the end, isn't that all worth it?