I'm Learning. (a.k.a. Fear Sucks.)

What I Did Today:

*Elliptical - 30 minutes (after 2 days of absolutely nothing. Just being honest here.)

*Faced My Fears

What I Learned:

*Determination is HARD. But it is worth every single second of it. (More on working out stuff later.)

*I am a big old scaredy cat. If someone peeked in the windows of my home they'd see me cowering in the corner. But once I leave the house I walk with the confidence of a Diva. It's not a good way to live.

Funny enough, I even had myself convinced.

In the process of creating this big project I'm working on, this next step in my life, I walked confidently forward oh-so-sure of where I was headed. Aaand then I ran into the mirror.


Allow me to share a conversation I had with myself in my journal (yeah, I do this sometimes. It's odd, yes, but it works.):

What the hell am I doing? What is this project for?

(There's so much out there already.)

Yeah, but not my unique perspective.

(You don't have a unique perspective.)

.....

And there it was. My fears standing with hands on hips, not letting me go any further, shoo-ing me back to where I've sulked off so many times. And because I was walking so confidently, I didn't even see them until I'd run into them!



These things have been said already. No one really cares. The medium (art, web, writing) will water down or interfere with the message & I won't be able to share it again. My views are nothing but a collaboration of others' - the more I read, the more I view other blogs, I see it's all already been done and said. Nothing new. I'll put my deepest messages out there, make myself vulnerable, to be met with scorn ...or worse.....indifference.


I'm not good at rejection. I can't do this.


Oooh, then I get ANGRY.


NO ONE tells me I can't do something. Even myself.


But the problem is that I usually storm back in the other direction. My fears are still standing there, hands on hips, smirky grin on their face. ("You'll be back.") Like a child playing Red Rover, I just revert to my comfort space, get angry, filled with ideas, and charge forward again thinking that maybe this time I'll break through the hand hold. It never works.


I'd love to end this post with " and then I found my aha moment and this is how you can do it to for only $199 - send money now!! ". I feel dirty even writing that.


Truth is, I'm still here. I didn't retreat. I have taken a step closer to my fears and am standing face-to-face with them so close I can feel their breath on my forehead. I gotta say, they look a bit confused. They haven't backed down, but neither have I. I'm going to stay here until I figure out how to get past them.



I'm not naive. I know that even if I slip past they will still be there and it's pretty likely I'll find some more on my path. But guess what...if I get past these doozies, even if I try to retreat next time I won't be able to go all the way back. I'll run back into these fears I now face, realize that I'm on the other side of them, and have a new "comfort" place.



This is where I am. I'm hoping to confidently walk past (or at least slip around the side) here pretty soon. But I can't say when that will happen....thus, when my big project will actually be revealed.



Right now, I'm working with "Taking Flight" by Kelly Rae Roberts. It is STUNNING. It is speaking to me on every step of this process, calling to me over the shoulders of these big fear bullies. (I'll be writing more about her book later.) I have wonderful friends (on both sides) offering encouragement.



I'm going to keep sipping on my chai, playing with my kiddos, journaling until my hand hurts, playing with working out, and glaring at these fear sons-o'-bitches. (See? Hubby says I curse like a sailor at home but I never do it when I go out or online. I'm terrified of offending someone! Already my fingers are typing I'm So Sorry If I Offended You. But, dear readers of my blog, this is me! For those who appreciate honesty in this format, I recommend checking out a site I ran across last night, http://www.ittybiz.com/. You'll love it.)



I'm not backing down. But being who I am, snarky and all, as I pass these tall fear monsters - on the way past I'm going to give them a little kiss on the cheek.



tee hee.



See you on the other side.

Wilderness Ahead...

Oh my blog friends how I have been neglecting thee! But, as with any parent who ducks away to prepare a delicious surprise, I've been away for good reasons. And even better news? My concoction is almost done cooking!!

First, I want to again thank Connie over at DirtyFootprints-Studio. Her gratitude has boosted me to the place I am now, with the energy to boost up this stove and take the heat in the kitchen.

And Ms Melita and EcoYogini - thank you so much for continuing to visit & comment!

To all of the others who are joining in this Life journey, (some leaving comments, others just stopping by) I know you are out there... (Dana & Beth, I adore you, my lovely family!)...thank you for your invisible presence. (Of course, I always love comments...even if just a smile!)

So, due in huge part to the love I've gotten from family and friends, old, new, and some never met face-to-face, I am taking a deep breath and another large leap into my life.

I blogged a bit ago about how I felt things changing...I think they are finally swirling down together and starting to meld into the life the disturbance was meant to create. It's not all being done for joy-reasons...as with almost everyone else I know, the ripples of the economy are being felt around our house. While we are blessed to be able to maintain our house, hubby his job, and me my stay-at-home status, the "little things" have all been sacrificed and we're forced to take bigger steps. For you others who are in two-income parent households, I'm sure you understand how expensive childcare is. It simply isn't worth it right now for me to re-join the workforce. And yet...that doesn't mean I can't do my part.

As a yogini, as an artist (I still don't feel comfortable calling myself that)...I struggle with the concept of money. I've heard others who feel the same way -- there is something "off" about charging for something that I would gladly give away for free! And yet, idealism aside, I still realize that money is just one form of energy. It is a way that the energy I put out to the world can be returned to me. Oh, how I wish we could all live on love alone! But until our li'l utopian society is created, money will have to suffice as a means of energy-transfer. And I am putting it out there to the universe that I'm ready for a li'l energy.

This does not mean I'm sacrificing my fervent belief in the importance of passionate pursuits, however. Money & My Soul can walk hand-in-hand ....if I can get my kids to get along, I have no doubts I can create harmony in any other situation.

Enough teasers...I need to get back to working on this venture so I can get it out to the world! My head and heart are about to explode from keeping it in for so long. Until next update (or the reveal!)...


On another note, I also realized I've been neglecting my training updates! At first I thought that no one really cared (and maybe no one does!)...but if I'm sharing this journey with even one other reader of this blog, and my story (and maybe your comments??) can keep each of us going -- it would be worth it.

I've neglected recording many days and am not going to take the time to record everything. Suffice to say, I am happy with my discipline, and THAT is what matters.

What I Did:
*10 laps in the pool

What I Learned:
*Sometimes I just need to listen to my body. I wasn't going to go to the Y this morning, but hubby convinced me he needed to...and I couldn't let him go alone! After upper body strength training yesterday, a fierce 10-minute (indoor) bike ride, and high-exertion 10-minute (treadmill) run yesterday, my body and my mind were just tired. I splashed through the laps today and certainly don't regret doing it, but I didn't find any meditation...nor any extra energy...through doing so. The best time I had? The few minutes after where our daughter was still in childcare, Chris was still in the weight room, and I had time to sit and meditate over the new upcoming venture....

I guess sometimes doing what needs to be done means taking care of my body...whether it's a joyful process or not.

Creative Community

The inspiration throughout the blogging world is stupendous, tremendous, and never-ending.

Have you ever gone on a blog joy-ride? Try clicking one of the "Blogs I Love", then clicking on one of the blogs listed on their site (or click on a follower to check out their blog), then just keep right on going until you are so deep in inspiration that your head is spinning. Then come on back to this site and start all over.

One of the beautiful things you'll find is the generosity and camaraderie of so many, especially in the artsy-blogging community. One site (which I have linked under the afore-mentioned list) is the WishStudio (inthewishstudio.blogspot.com). They are offering a give-away to the Wishfull Virtual Art Retreat (April 30th - May 2nd), a unique idea that allows remote creatives to take advantage of the wisdom of several brilliant beings. It is an experience in which I hope I can take part! (Check out more here)

I cannot speak enough of the love I have for the community I've found...one that keeps right on growing. Those who have experienced this will certainly understand...it is changing my life. I plan on writing more about this soon, but for now, this sums it up:

If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a kind word of encouragement, or attempts to understand, extraordinary things begin to happen.

-Loretta Gizartis

Breath By Breath

In the passenger seat of the car.

I look up to the gray billowing clouds and suddenly I am rising up to them
breathing in my lungs getting fuller and fuller and full

and I am there

and I feel the cool mist of those clouds on my cheeks and my lips and in my nostrils
and as I exhale I lower ever so slightly ever so slowly
with my inhale I am back up

and so it goes

buoying up and down and up
And I look below me and think how lucky I am to be above
out of that all
and then I

pause

Why? Why is that lucky?

I see the driver mindlessly following the road in front of him the trash on the side of the road the mother cradling her child the man yelling at the attendant the lovers embracing and I see it

all.

together.

And I exhale and float back down, intentionally
come into my body
and feel its twings and twangs
and I realize

How fortunate I am.

Live

"The World is full of people who will go their Whole lives and not actually Live one day.

She did not intend on being one of them."

-Leigh, Curly Girl Designs

It is where I am.

I adore this quote as well as many more of hers -- I have oodles of magnets on my fridge and plan to collect more cards and artwork.

See more (really, you really really should) at http://www.curlygirldesign.com/

Moving On and Creating For ...?

A moment of peace:


Take a breath.

I've spent the past few days crafting and creating, running & contemplating, cleaning & snuggling with the kiddos. It's been such a joy. That quake of energy I was describing before? It is totally still going...and making life one interesting moment after another.

After such deep posts, I did find the "aha"! that sitting with the fire and all of that discomfort inevitably brings. But that, dear friends, is a seed that needs time to sprout before I share it with the world! How excited I am for it to grow...

In my creating (with fabric, paints, stamps, papers, photography & digital manipulation, etc.), I always seem to get stuck if I don't have a "reason". Usually that reason means I'm making something for someone else...which is a great reason! The past few days have been dedicated solely to that - creating for someone who dearly deserves it. The process alone has been THRILLING - I've pushed myself in my limits of what I usually do, learned new techniques along the way, and have oodles of ideas for further projects.

My stumbling block now is finding a new reason. Or perhaps I should say, my obstacle is giving myself permission to make ME the reason. To find myself in the moment of decision (do I fold laundry? watch t.v.? pay bills? craft?) and have enough strength to know what is good for me and my family. (Hint: It's keeping myself organized, sane, and happy. Creating does all of those.)

It really is the small things, too, that make a difference - that give me a sense of accomplishment. Like this, my first ever button hole (a successful practice attempt on a scrap piece of fabric):


It may be a small thing, but I feel like a world of possibilities are opened now that I know how to use my sewing machine to make a tiny little button hole!

Ah, and the sensual nature of creating...I finally bought some linen the other day (ok, linen-like fabric. It was half the price.). Combined with a silky fabric and embroidery threads? Delicious.


(In case you are interested, there is a great tutorial on how to embroider flowers here and a very basic and easy-to-follow guide to creating a linen drawstring bag here (By Gretel at alittleredribbon.blogspot.com).

Nothing too deep...I think the past few posts have bubbled over the thinking-point. Here's to all that depth and the path it has pushed me in...and maintaining the energy and awareness to stay with it!

Why - Version 2.0

Faster. Sleeker.

Shorter.

Why?

That I May Live.

Why

Warning: This post is a long one. Probably my longest ever and hopefully my longest for some time to come. But moving beyond the stress of deciding whether size matters, I feel it is something that needs to be written. Whether it is something that needs to be read is up to you.


It is a question that has been not necessarily a choice, but a requirement for consciously living the next moment of my life.

Why?

For some time, I have been meaning to create a static post with a link as to why this blog exists - its purpose, scope, etc. It is a seemingly mild task that has taken me to the depths of my being, forcing me to question not only why I write this blog, but what "LifeUnity" means to me, what purpose it plays in my life, why I do what I do and think what I think.

I transitioned into stay at home motherhood around 5 years ago shortly after my son was born. As I'm sure many transitioning into this phase do, I imagined days filled with playing with my son, pursuing my passions, developing a business that spoke to my soul, lunches with friends, nights out with my husband...a story that at this point could probably be made into a joke with the punchline "And then she became a stay-at-home mommy".

Shortly after that time, I suffered an unimaginable loss - my father's death-by-choice. I cannot write this without tearing up even now, but it is a story I share with the readers of my blog not to venture into something too personal (I promise - my journal pages won't venture into these lines of type!) but to further exhale that which I've been suffocating on for so long. My father, as is to many girls, was my unconscious block of my stability, that part of your being that you don't question because, well, there is no need to question it. My mother, my brother, my sister, my aunt and uncle, and all of those who loved and cared for my father all had to start on a path of healing that continues to this day. We all had our realities swept away and had to come face to face with our next step.

I am in a good place with this now...it is not for sympathy that I share this. It is because it is a crucial step in understanding why this blog exists, why my days play out why they do, and why "I" (labels and all) am. If your reality has been shaken so much that you have no ground left on which to stand, you have to learn how to fly. You must rebuild the earth. I share with honesty lest you think I just sprouted wings...to acknowledge that sometimes it is the worst of unthinkable tragedies that forces us to soar highest. (I acknowledge that all of you beautiful readers may have such gale-force winds behind you as well and honor you for being where you are.)

It is quite the situation to be in: at home alone with a young child, no responsibilities save for putting away a few dishes, no one to hold you accountable, and no known "reality-safe-zone" to return to. It is moment after moment of waking or falling into unconsciousness.

It is making a choice because life goes on, because a choice will be made whether or not you participate. Because of all my parents had taught me when I was young, because of lessons learned along the way, because of my son and my husband, and because of ME...I knew that I could not fall back asleep.

Fast-forward a few years.

I am still a stay-at-home mom. I've been through yoga teacher training and part of a Master's program (at Prescott College -- lovely place!) and various ventures, yet each day is still a moment by moment choice of creation.

In truth, it is for everyone. I guess because I have no deadlines, no reports to turn in nor bosses to answer to, I am more sensitive to the power of my choice - how what I do or do NOT that day (turn on the t.v., read, exercise, play, nap, etc) truly makes me who I am.

I've shared our recent venture into the running and triathlon worlds. (I still can't quite believe it!) I admit that hubby and I totally fell off the wagon (and didn't run to catch up with it) through the month of December.

So when I laced up my shoes in early January and took those first few steps, I was really huffing and puffing. An x-ray also indicated that my spinal problem has, at the least, not gotten better. So about 5 minutes into a run, as I was almost ready to just give up, I again ran face-first into the Wall of Why. Why am I doing this? Why run? Why bother with a triathlon...we could probably make some good money by selling those bikes.

Through the past year, I've certainly increased my blogging. Again, there are days when I step away from the computer, a few days pass with no post, the comments and emails slow down, and the Answer-to-Why is the only oomph that brings me back to the keyboard.

So Why?

I don't know.

I hope you weren't expecting any life-revealing, angels-singing, light-piercing response. To be honest, I don't have the foggiest idea. I know I run because I want to lose weight, I know I am going to complete a triathlon because it is totally cool to be able to say I did one, I know I blog because it makes me feel important, I know I play with the kids because I feel I should, I know I create because I'm hoping to stumble upon some big money-making venture that will create security for our family. I have many shallow reasons for doing what I'm doing. Unfortunately, these reasons do not, and will never pull me past those recurring moments when "because" simply isn't enough. (Ya know, the 6 a.m. alarm, the everything-is-going-wrong kinda days when the coffee just spilled, the moments when you can't even find your crafting supplies because the dirty laundry just ate them.)

I also have my deeper reasons, the ones that call to my soul to awaken.

This blog. Connection. I am connecting to myself, connecting with friends and family members with whom I've lost touch or don't get to hear the stories I share on here, and to other beautiful souls I would have never found without this blog. I don't want to pull out specific names lest I forget someone, but the comments and emails that I have received recently have made me feel more honored, beautiful, and simply Heard than I probably ever have. To each of you, Thank You.

Running, the mini-marathon, the triathlon(s). Tapas. The Inner Fire, Discipline. I've talked with others about a training schedule for this upcoming 13.1 mile race/event (oh dear. I'm tired even typing it.). I've been asked where I want to be before the race, how far I want to have run, what time I'm aiming for. I didn't really have a reason. I've talked with others about why I'd attempt a triathlon, which ones I want to do, how far I want to go with this. I've talked with my husband in the early morning hours about why I would ever want to get out of bed when I'm already there and quite comfortable. Again, no reasons.

I've realized that I'm pushing my body beyond those reasons that get me to "just because" as a result of feeling that fire burning and, unless I want to douse it, needing to keep it going. I run into the next step when I'm 1/3 of the way up the hill and know no one is watching and have to force my next breath in and my legs have already decided they want to walk and my mind is just giving up because I know that if I stop - if I walk that next step - the exhale of relief will blow the fire out. It is Tapas, willingness, discipline, that fire that I look to stoke, that keeps me training. I measure my success by that, not by the clock.

Yoga. Unity Life is swirly. We all play a lot of roles, have a lot of responsibilities, have a lot of inner questions, a lot of choices. It is easy to forget about a waning connection with a friend when job responsibilities are piled on. It's easy to break apart our roles in life, not make that silly face (even when it would totally be appropriate) around co-workers that we'd do in a heartbeat around our kids, forget about our posture and the strength of our core when we're in the middle of a traffic jam or at line at the groccery store. But we are all of ourselves all the time. We don't suddenly stop becoming a mother simply because we're at work, a body in need of health simply because we're mentally stresed. Yoga - the practice on and off the mat - helps me to re-member, to re-find that unity. Through my breath, I am reconnected to my body. Through awareness of (and attempts at control of!) my thoughts, I am reconnected to my heart. Through all of this, I am reconnected to myself, and thus you...to our one-ness.

Creativity. Expression. The soul, that voice that calls out to us of "something more!!" in life, is a tricky li'l gal. Language does not provide a means of communication for her. That which is primarily of the soul does not have the words to define it. Example? Try defining "love". My creative endeavors - whatever form they may take that day - provide a way for my soul to speak. Whether through poetry, stitching, folding paper, adding glitter, cutting, painting, or ???, I find a moment where my mind and my body are simply a mouth for my soul and for the greater spirit. Sometimes, these moments are simply meditations. Sometimes, they are times for me to create my to-do list. But always, they are a way for me to plug in, to re-energize, to express that which otherwise remains silent and unheard.



I have my reasons for choosing to be a loving mother and wife, for preparing the meals that I do, for leaving the house a mess, for driving a mini-van. Some are shallow (well, except for the mini-van. I'm sure any shallow reason would lead me NOT to drive a mini-van), some are much deeper. But part of the path in becoming more comfortable in myself is realizing that whatever it may be, there is no right and wrong reason. There are only conscious and unconscious choices.

My driving motto? I choose to live awake.

I challenge you, oh lovely reader who somehow made it to the bottom of this very long post, to do the same. I cannot offer advice or a path or any reasons for why you "should" or "should not" do something. I can only ask that, every now and then, you exhale what you no longer need to make room, inhale space, breath, and energy,...and ask why. Breathe...And then, you let go and just be. You take each moment to make a conscious choice and understand that it is ok to change your path.

Live awake with me.

Namaste.

Love For All, Known and Unknown

I have read many recent beautiful blogs and stories recently about the horrible pain in Haiti.

While I know there are many sites out there I have not visited, below are the ones I have. Please take a few minutes to read through them.

Shona (shonastudio.blogspot.com) wrote a moving post on the love of a parent, imagining how one could face losing a child in such a tragedy, and how we can help through a donation through the Three Angels Relief. Her picture reminded me of my own daughter and brought tears to my eyes.

Karen Maezen Miller, or Momma Zen (mommazen.blogspot.com, reminded us of a beautiful story of the Hummingbird and the fire...urging us to do what we can - for in truth, that is all we can do (and that is Everything). Her simplicity expresses truth in a way thousands of words never could.

Susannah (inkonmyfingers.typepad.com) shared several links for how to help both in the US and the UK and reminded us that friendship can occur both with those we know and love and shared with those we may never meet.

Jenny Doh (jennydoh.typepad.com) wrote an amazing and soul-touching post on our blessings and how something as simple as water can be taken for granted. I love how she reminded us that helping also takes the form of imagination, creativity, and beauty...something that we can all do with joy.

Jena (bullseyebaby.wordpress.com) stunned me with an honest description of her emotions -- all bundled with a reserved joy on her birthday. She stressed (oh how I love this!) that we are all connected, this is our shared experience, and that our joys and our suffering is meant for us all to share. Happy Birthday, Jena.

Maya (mayamade.blogspot.com) shared a touching personal story about her own experience with an earthquake, a link to a great post with several resources of how to help, as well as a lovely creation (she is excellent at beauty and simplicity) she had made to be sold at an Etsy shop Craft Hope for Haiti where proceeds go to Doctors Without Borders.

Melissa at Operation Nice (www.operationnice.com) offered links of how to help, including a wonderful way to donate via cell phone. Nice acts can extend beyond our own backyard and don't have to be difficult to do.

Secret Agent L (secretagentlinpgh.blogspot.com) shared a moving picture, offered herself and all of usual time spent doing wonderful acts for others as a way to help (and encouraged others to do the same), and shared a stunning link to another post with a very moving story that is still sticking with me.



To each of these lovely individuals, and to all of the others out there offering your donations, your thoughts, and your prayers, thank you.

It is easy to distance ourselves from this, particularly for those of us who don't know anyone in Haiti. Yet it is imperative, as our days continue and our own needs call our attention, that we remember our collective soul.

We have each had at least one moment of tragedy where life seemed to stop, where the rug was pulled out from underneath our solid foundation of "reality". Yet somehow, we knew that even at that instant, life for the rest of the world was going on as it always was. I think that it is energy from those who took the time to acknowledge our pain, to share even a moment of their time and love, to climb off their own spinning wheel of life to share in the pause of ours, that makes all the difference in the world.

Life goes on. We can determine how it does. May we each spend a minute to reflect, in whatever we we deem appropriate, on those less fortunate, those in pain, to remember that we too have been there - and will be there again - and to then bring ourselves back into the moment, do what we can to help, and continue our lives in deep gratitude.

The Type of Things I Think About

You know when you get that gut feeling that life is changing?

The past few days, I've been feeling something. I acknowledged this as "Reality Tremors"...leading up to a full-blown Life-Quake**. What is this, you ask? Good question. (And aren't you impressed I can hear your thoughts?)

**Please note - these terms were swirling around in my head before the tragedy in Haiti. I still use the terms because they are the foundation of my thoughts below, but please know I am holding in the utmost respect the individuals involved and sending as much love as I can to all affected. For more information on how to help, you can visit this link on msnbc.com. We were able to make a donation via cell phone...it only takes a minute!**

First, let me share with you my definitions of Worldviews or Realities.

Everyone has a world view - a way of looking at the world around us. Yet I shy away from using this term because, first, many haven't heard of it and, second, it seems to hold a distance...something outside of ourselves that may seem kinda important during times of deep reflection but is otherwise as easy to blow off as exercise at 6 a.m. Reality seems to hit home, to be something more....well, .... real!

Reality incorporates everything we consider to be real - from the mundane (gravity, the dishes in the sink) to the more spiritual (God or life force, morals, etc). While there are many philosophical views that delve into whether there is one "true" reality outside of perception, trying to cover those right now would make my (and your) head spin.

For the sake of this post, let's assume that everyone has their own reality. Your reality includes all of those things you know (or feel) to be "real". There might be some things you feel more confident in admitting are part of your reality -- things that others are highly likely to include in their own -- "Facts" like the computer screen on which you are reading this, that gravity is holding you in your seat right now, that the earth is round. Then there are those things that might be part of your reality but debatable to others -- "facts" (remember, this is your reality!) such as whether or not trees feel pain, God's existence or non-existence and form(s), or government cover-ups.

Reality Changes

Science is one discipline that changes the face of the more "solid" reality over the years. (Examples? Pluto went from being a planet to just a poor little ball of mass floating out there based off changed definitions of a "planet". Way farther back, the earth went from being flat to round. Wouldn't that just blow your mind?!)

Individual realities can (and do) also change...and this is where things get interesting for me.

Again, there are the more "solid" aspects of individual reality that can change - you go from being a renter to a home-owner, or single to married, for example. Many of these are labels that are part of your reality that are changed by external factors.

Then there are the more "fluid" aspects of reality (those things less agreed upon) that can be changed by external or internal factors. Senses of security (which are very real indeed) can be completely undermined by a tragedy such as a fire that destroys all of your belongings or the untimely death of a family member. What may be a very real priority can be suddenly deemed unimportant by a near-death experience. Global tragedies can cause some to question their religious beliefs.

The list goes on...but these changes are the suckers that hit you in the gut. They don't need to be negative - the birth of a child, for example, can create a wonderful new reality where the beauty of life is highlighted in the mundane!

Re-Membering Reality

So, if only for the few moments I have your attention with this post, if we can agree that:

*Everyone has their own reality

*Realities are always changing

the next question is, ...So?!

Think about it for a minute. (Go ahead. The following words will still be here when you are done.)

If reality is your own and is constantly changing, doesn't that bring up an awesome realization of the power (and thus, responsibility) we have to create our lives? If you really do have the power to determine whether or not you are happy, secure, and well-off, to determine where you live and how...whoa. That's a lot to take on. (I'll bet the "Yeah, But...."s are already coming up. I can read your mind, remember?!)

There are external factors. (Bills, survival necessities, other peoples' realities) But if your reality truly is your own, and is changing right now (and right now. And Now. And....Now.), don't you think you have a say-so in which direction it is changing? I'm not saying you can make it rain right now (or could you? ...) :), but that by accepting a little belief that your Reality is your Own, and created moment-by-moment by You, that life is one big ball of possibility, exploration, and FUN.

And all those other people who are being real right beside you? If you can remember that they are going through this monumental task of realizing their own reality and deciding how to create it, perhaps you can give them a little slack and share a little "I know what you're going through" smile. It ain't easy, but the rewards? Beyond description.

If your reality includes a larger force (God, Goddess, life force, etc.), imagine if it really was our responsibility (collectively AND INDIVIDUALLY) to partner up with it/her/him in creating this whole thing called life.

If we can all realize that we're creating this big Reality that incorporates all of us, if we can all Re-Member (put it back together),...can you imagine the power that humanity would have to help and heal? No more dreams of world peace or food for everyone - it would just be reality.

Back to Square One

I've still been training for the mini-marathon and triathlon (more on that in another post).

I've still been creating and working on mixed-media projects with my sewing machine (I have some photos I am SO excited to share of some projects I've been working on...but more on that in another post).

I'm still doing yoga (with music and without), figuring out this whole motherhood thing, and plodding through the mundane (But....You guessed it...more on that in another post. See? Read your mind again. Freaky, huh?)

While I'm doing all of this, these are the sort of thoughts that run through my head. When I allow myself time to slow down and sort through them, and when I bring those thoughts into Action, they become REAL and enrich my life in ways I never imagined possible.

Those reality tremors I mentioned at the beginning of the post? Whether they are internal tremors (thoughts that are crying out loud enough they know they'll be heard) or external (I'm picking up on the energies of life changing around me), they are just as real as if something were happening that others could see. I've experienced great energy bursts in the past 24 hours that have made my fingers tingle, words are spilling out in my journal that I didn't even know I thought, and the mundane is like a living, breathing being sending me signals to pay attention. (Don't worry - The laundry hasn't talked to me...yet.)

I know it may seem a bit overwhelming, but for me, an ocean's depth of a mind is just my reality. You may empathize with my husband who claims he'd go insane if he tried to step into my brain.

I just smile though, because these are the type of things I think about...and as my thoughts flow with my reality, life becomes one big beautiful pool in which to swim.

Doing What Needs To Be Done

Tonight, I did what had to be done.

It wasn't easy.

I had to leave my husband alone to watch a football game.

I had to creep away from the kids who were racing around the house screaming loud enough that I'm sure the neighbors are questionning our household activities.

I had to sulk away from the dog who was barking at the kids, at my husband, at me - anyone he could get to pay attention to him.

I had to leave the dishes, which are not only in the sink but scattered around the house.

I had to step over the laundry pile, which is almost caught up from our time away from the house but seemed to grow while we were out visiting family and the park today.

I had to quiet my mind which was reminding me that all of this will be there tomorrow morning, and if I'd only put away one dish or start one load of laundry or take care of one email that I'd be that much further ahead....because I knew that doing one thing means I'd do it all.

I had to step away because I knew what was best for me.

I had to replenish with this:



And accomplish a bit more on this:



I hope tomorrow morning I am at peace with my decision...and that I can make the same one again when needed. I hope that you, too, find peace with whatever decisions brought you to the end of your day.

Why is it so hard sometimes to ignore the mess around us to take care of the mess that is within?

The Presen(ts)/(ce) of Snow

I've been a busy mommy the past few days, thus, a fairly absent blogger. A snow storm (and cold chill) has hit the Midwest...which led to school being cancelled both Thursday and Friday. It's been a great exploration of Family minus scheduled activities.

Bless my hubby - on the first day, I just wasn't in the mood to be in the snow despite the excitement and begging from our 5 year old (and the 2 year old who just did it because her brother was). I repeatedly came up with excuses/reasons why we couldn't go out. (Yup, mother of the year here.) After hubby arrived home from work, he took our son out for some chillin' with daddy time.


(Of note: The first snow angel my son did was face down. He quickly learned face up was way more fun.)

Part of the reason I didn't want to go out (beyond my selfish ones) was the lack of snow gear we had for the kids. The temporary solution?



We all enjoyed some hot chocolate after the fun-but-brief romp outside. I let Tyler add his own marshmallows.


(I think his cocoa ended up being more marshmallow than actual liquid.)

Friday was a more peaceful day. I spent a good half an hour sitting at our front window, staring out at a bush in our front yard. At any given time, there were probably 10 birds that were using it for shelter...and I was truly entranced by the messages we shared.


(How many birds can you find?)

This little fellow has visited us many times throughout the year. I think that day we were both enjoying just observing the world around us.



Today we ventured out and purchased boots for both kids. They were THRILLED. (Way better than plastic bags.)



Unfortunately, the temperature has also dropped today. I took the kids out for a brief bit. Dilana learned quickly from her brother how to make a snowball - and fervently tried to keep up with him.



Within 5 minutes, teeth were chattering and it was time to head in.

A brief post about a few days filled with memories...I almost wish this weekend wouldn't end. And yet, in these peaceful late night hours...I find myself wishing for nothing at all.

Gratitude for what is.

Snow Day

I woke this morning to my husband whispering to me that school was cancelled. Unfortunately, such news doesn't carry the same excitement it used to when a day off school meant frolicking in the snow, t.v. shows, time at home with mom and dad and, well...no school!

Everyone was up around their usual times anyway and hubby had to head on to work. Funny enough, I realized that a snow day meant just another "day at work" for mommy, too. Here's how our morning has been:

Getting dressed for work.


Morning rush hour and traffic jam.


Grumpy co-workers.


My Inbox.


Getting the job done.


Mid-morning melt-down before a caffeine break.
(courtesy of our new Christmas toy, a Crayola crayon maker)

Putting on our thinking caps.


Let's hope the rest of the work day continues like it started.
I'm rediscovering why snow days truly are so fun...

Free to be Me

There is a definite change happening within. I feel more ... me. I don't know if it is being in my 30's, where I am in life, or something more global in nature, but I love it.

Creativity stems more from my spirit instead of a drive to create something someone else might want. Decisions are made with awareness of, but indifference towards, the judgments of others. I won't claim 100% success in this area, but the current rate of success is astounding me.

Because these feelings are fairly recent, I don't have a lot of words to describe it. A recent visit to the Indianapolis Children's Museum should suffice to sum it up.

There was a visiting exhibit - Barbie - which I knew I just had to visit. I've gone between my tom-boy and girly-girl stages and am settling into loving being both. I adored the pink. I ooh-ed and ah-ed over the fashions. I loved remembering the itty bitty shoes and hairstyles.

And being in the state that I am, I felt free to walk through and giggle at it all without feeling pressure to look like the impossibly shaped figures.

Ladies, can we celebrate it together?? :

Lovely as she may be,

Barbie ain't got nothin' on me.

The Yogic Beat

I decided to change things up a bit this morning.



I'll readily admit falling behind - a lot - on my yoga practice. It has mostly consisted of random legs-up-the-wall or a few sun salutations here and there. (For those non-yoga practitioners reading this...don't worry. That's about as "technical" as I'll get.)


This morning, I knew I needed a bit of strength training but my body felt ready to move, to flow. So I put on my workout playlist (yeah, that one I referred to earlier with music as random as Britney Spears to Def Leppard) and started a core-strengthening / yogic mix of body movement.


It was amazing.


From plank to downward dog, triangle to head-to-knee (ok, a few more poses mentioned - sorry) I did what my body ached for and moved with the music and my breath.

As a registered yoga teacher, I knew what I needed to do to keep my body aligned.

As a mindful practitioner, I recognized what I needed to do to keep myself away from pain (that darn spine issue kept me quite awake).

As an open spirit, I felt where I needed to move...and the music provided the beat.


This could easily lead into a discussion of what yoga is and is not - what exactly consititutes practicing yoga (at least the physical, on-the-mat yoga) and what is just "yoga-like". It's a discussion worth having.


Suffice to say for now, I'm fairly liberal on my definition of yoga. Yoga, in part by definition, is Unity. Unity of mind and body, breath and movement, strength and stillness, mundane and spiritual.


This morning, I re-found unity using the energy of music. I danced, I moved, I was aware of what was in the moment that it was. My body, my core, my breath, and my smile were all flowing together. I was in joy.


Regardless of what we call it, isn't that a great place to be??

A Simple Wish

We don't see things
as they are.

We see things
as we are.

-Anias Nin

In this new year, May you see all that you are.