Plans for New Year's Eve fell through. In my thoroughly chaotic mind, this connected to business-related success-driven actions and my recent aversion to all-things-"success-based" and caused a thorough review of my motivations and inner peace. (Yep, welcome to my world.)
I learned a lesson, am feeling more satisfied, but still have no plans for New Year's Eve.
The longer version:
We had plans to stay in a condo with family on New Years Eve. Because of our procrastination (another lesson: don't make plans based on reservations that haven't been made), they filled up. We are now left with the choice to go nutty (call all around to find a hotel with availability and hopefully a suite so the kids can sleep while adults stay up, find a place to board the dog, potentially spend way more than we were planning - all in the name of "doing something" on New Years) or staying at home for a quiet celebration.
I will admit - I'm bummed. I tend to get easily disappointed when anything I'm looking forward to falls through. The situation didn't even have to be an actual plan. If the seed was planted in my head and then it didn't happen, it's just as disappointing as if an actual event fell through.
It's the same with the mini-marathon in 2011 (which I may not be able to run do to a possible surgery - more on that later) and a fancy new website. I can deeply envision success with both. I have my positive visions of crossing the finish line; of clicking on lifeunity.com and visiting a site that makes me smile.
It is so hard to accept what is. I stumble after what could be. We all do. The drive for success is completely based on what could be.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't think this drive is bad per se. It keeps us moving instead of laying in bed all day and wasting away. To live, to experience new things, we must know and embrace change. And why not dream about, have some sort of conscious part in that flow of change?
The danger comes because in clamoring after success or the race or the party, the "what could be" becomes "good" and the "what is" becomes bad - that which we are trying to move away from.
The more I focused on what could be, the more I didn't want what is.
And therein lies the problem.
Actions become motivated by aversion. There is a big difference between acting (thinking, dreaming) while in acceptance of our current circumstances and acting to avoid those circumstances. Change happens either way, but our inner peace differs dramatically. 2011 is going to arrive whether I'm ready for it or not. Whether the midnight switch (and, depending on whether my lesson is learned, each moment after that) involves peace is up to me.
What is is all we have. If we can't appreciate that, we certainly won't appreciate what was or what will be. On Friday night, I will probably be at home with sleeping kiddos, clinking glasses with hubby at midnight as we watch the ball light up on t.v. If I just observe that, I feel quite fortunate to be in that position.
But just in case: if anyone in southern Indiana knows of any good (family-friendly but adult-interesting) New Year's parties, you can still let me know...