BIG

Two posts in one day - sheesh!  Be sure to visit my other post today for some creative goodness.

And then....
I am beyond thrilled to be enrolled in Connie's (Dirty Footprints Studio) next class, BIG, which starts in just a few short days.

In true Connie style, she has already provided us with thought-provoking goodies.  My responses are so BIG that I couldn't just keep them to myself....they are breaking out into the blog world!

Connie asked, I responded.

1.    What does going BIG look and feel like to me?

Opening my arms and unfolding my wings – I can feel them emanating from my shoulder blades and hear the gentle rustling and feel both the lift as they expand me taller than I’ve ever been and the grounding as the weight pushes me down into my feet.

It feels open – like breathing beyond my body and into the universe.  I exhale and the planets jostle, I inhale and the oceans gently roll in towards the shore. 

It feels honest.  Life is truth and when I’m this big, there is no room for anything but that.

It looks peacefully chaotic.  Schedules bump around and screams of the kiddos blend with noises of traffic jams – muffled, as if I’m in a room in a downtown hotel in the city – and yet I can hear the birds chirping a rhythm to the noise and feel the wind on my cheek after it blows the weeds in the field and smell the wildflowers amidst the moist air before the storm.  

It is what it is, and it is BIG and beautiful.

2.   What scares me about BIG?

Being Seen.  Being judged.  Not only having others know me, but having to know myself.  Not having anywhere to hide, anywhere to shirk away when the going gets tough. 

Knowing what BIG looks and feels like, experiencing it, then failing to follow through.  Becoming small again after knowing my BIGness.  Letting fear or mundane tasks or the concerns of others or my own concerns about money or logistics wrap their palms around my expanding light and smoosh it down like a ball of playdough.  Getting giddy through the process of sharing BIG with others…and then losing my commitment. 

Sinking back into living small after Knowing being BIG.  That terrifies me more than anything else.

3.   What excites me about BIG?

Arriving HOME.  Remembering that delicious self that has always called out to me from the time that I was a little girl curled up in the corner of my closet and dreaming to right now when I can feel the arms wrapped around me and welcoming me back, taste the tears of joy of one who is none other than myself knowing that I    have     re-membered.

It is so much Bigger than this as well.  As I settle into home, after my rest and catching up with all that I missed, I know that it is my journey to grow even Bigger – to not leave home but to expand beyond its walls – to grow so big that I’m not in my home anymore but that it is within Me.  

It is finding Community.  

My journey is to be with others on this path and to radiate this BIGness to others who can hear their own invitations to return to their humanly divine selves.

4.   What BIG things in my life have I already done?

Surviving.  Sitting with the fires that have been started both by myself and by others.  Embracing the pain of being teased relentlessly throughout school years and the turmoils of needing to feel wanted through college years and the utter simply-no-words-to-describe-it devastating loss of my father….

Taking those experiences in life and BEing, questioning, listening.

Determining that I will follow my passions even though they may change frequently.  Not settling into a life of  “that’s-just-the-way-it-is” but determined that while there is no One Way for everyone there is a windy, curvy, up and down, twisty turny, sensually awakening, terrifying and exhilarating Way for me.

The Big Way.

5.   What BIG things do I dream of doing?

Being solidly, unwaveringly, openly BIG.  Knowing my Bigness, seeing my Bigness, speaking my Bigness, and living my Bigness every moment of every day. 

Being unapologetically human – cluttered, ignorant, sensual, logical, materialistic, faulty, and grounded – and fiercely divine – brazen, embracing, kind, dreamy, creative, and flying high.

Living every day where outings with the kids and time with my husband and drinks with friends and meals alone or shared and laundry and cleaning and painting and singing and blogging and showering Is Big and Human and Divine and Me.  I express myself in human ways through making money and keeping house and raising a family and divine ways through painting and poetry and photography and smiling at strangers and GIGGLING Every. Single. Day.

I dream of this because the ME who is already this being is calling so loudly from the awakened side that I can hear it even in my sleep.  If time is linear, it is a message sent back in time from BIG me to Small me telling me to keep going because I’m already BIG so I know I’m not going to fail! 

I will be BIG.  I am BIG.