Monday, June 21, 2010

Who I Am

It's not what I do, It's Who I Am.

Our daughter pondering her own questions after a recent storm.

Such simple words that are providing something for me to follow these days.  Lost as I am (but yet, not lost at all), I feel like a bat.  I repeat, "It's not what I do, It's Who I Am", throwing the vibrations out into the universe.  They bounce off of all of those obstacles in the way and come back to me...showing a clear path through the fears and shoulds and buts.

Through all of this, still struggling as is my nature to do, I wonder "what now"?  The words that always came before were answers of what to Do.  Go paint! Read! Play with the kids!  Redesign the website!  Get an Etsy shop up!  Make Money -- be somebody!

I have lived 32 years of my life trying to answer the question, "what should I do"?  Even in creating my "ideal life/day" - which is a very powerful visionary process - I laid out clear instructions for what I wanted to be Doing with my days.

I figured, as do most, that by doing something I would feel something.  Hence, I think about what I want to be doing first and assume I'll feel pleasure from doing that.

I want to offer credit where credit is due: The seeds for this particular thought-plant's growth were planted by the Firestarter Sessions and Danielle LaPorte, Kelly Rae's Flying Lessons class, and Connie's Art Journal lovin.  I will take credit for the growth that has occurred - through my own reflection,  painting, yoga, so on and so on - but those women provided a seed, the soil, and the fertilizing words that birthed this baby.  And YOU - each and every one of you who have followed, commented, or silently sent out your energy in response to my blog and posts are providing the sunlight without which all of this would cease to exist.

As the kids and I work our way through these summer days with no one to hold us accountable for our actions, we have to discuss together how our hours will develop.  After my letting go of certain fears and expectations and judgments, I am as lost...or as found? the kids are.  With no rights or wrongs of how to go about the days or get my vocation developed or keep my body fit, I find myself longing for answers to the question What Should I Do?

Ah - but that question no longer serves me.  I have archived it, along with all of the pages of answers that once served to guide me.  The question I now long to answer is How Do I Want to Feel?  My emotions are far more connected to my inner soul than are my thoughts - the latter have been polluted by shoulds and fears and have-to's for many years.  My female instinct, the goddess's singing, that divine intuition doesn't speak in logical terms.

This is only the continuation of a drawn-out beginning to a fascinating journey, one I hope you will continue to take with me.


  1. Lisa, you are not alone. You wrote, " I think about what I want to be doing first and assume I'll feel pleasure from doing that." and that is EXACTLY how I think. I have all the expectations summed up, well before the actual activity. As always, I gain such inspiration from your bravery to share your thoughts. I just KNOW you are on the right track, and will find that "place/feeling" very soon. LOVE to you!

  2. thought provoking post and absolutely beautiful picture!

  3. I love, love, love that photo, Lisa!
    I too have been on a similar journey, aided by my "miracle." I am one by one facing down my giants.
    All I can do is encourage you. The light will shine upon your path and you will know the way.
    One good thing about getting older- you get wiser. Truly. Wiser, more patient, less silliness.
    When my children were little, I was afraid, but they looked to me and I could never let them see that I was afraid. Oh, but I was. It was o.k.
    Hugs to you my butterfly friend. Cheryl

  4. I think your kiddos will be great teachers for you about just being and feeling when you have the "free" time to do that, Lisa. I think that dis-ease that you are feeling is a big symptom of all that is wrong in our world. But we have the Soul Strength, the Heart Power to rise above it and to live a life that feels GOOD, at least most of the time. I just know we do. Play with those kiddos, lovely one, and know that you are doing it for them, for yourself, and for all of us.
    Big Love !

  5. I find it comforting to know someone else is asking the same questions, coming to your own answers that seem to flow in a similar direction to mine ...

    i am working on that FSS question: What do I want to feel? Oh yeah, a biggie!

    xo Lis

  6. What a stunning photo of your daughter! I guess you can add "ace photographer" to your growing list of accomplishments! Such a thought-provoking post - thank you so much, Lisa. :) Theresa