Thursday, June 17, 2010

Lost and Found

Letting go.  Two little words that can evoke so much fear.

I had no idea that day in the car when I decided to let the pooch over my waistband what I was doing.  I had no idea that hitting "publish post" would connect me with so many going through the same issues.  And most importantly, I had no idea the effect that the seemingly simple act was going to have.

Perhaps it was just fortuitous timing - who knows.  But when I let go of my tummy, I let go of so many other aspects of my being as well...aspects that were no longer serving me.  It has released me into a way of living that is simultaneous terrifying and peaceful and exhilarating.

I have been faced to force those judgments and beliefs that were protecting and directing me through life.  They are creations that I had deemed logically unfit to hold many years ago but were somehow still imprinted into my being.  Everywhere I look now, every step I take, I realize that which I was relying on before as my guides were simply constructs I'd created....constructs that were false and actually harming me.

I am floating now in a huge ocean holding onto nothing.

I feel lost because I have no direction but because there is no direction, I cannot be lost.

I feel as though I am drowning in the awareness of all the possibility, the vastness of what is, and yet because this vastness is all there is, I cannot drown beyond it.

I feel unsure of how to proceed in the mundane world without losing touch with this sense of blissful exploration with which I've been blessed, but because this mundane world and the free-flying divinity are all that exists I am already proceeding - uncertain or not.

I have so much more to say on this but am hoping to break it up into different posts - I don't want to drown you as well!!  This entire process seems so unintelligible, so "out there"...and yet, it is my life.  It is happening right alongside the kids' fits, the bank account being drained, and the dog puking on the wood floor.  No intentions of grossing you out, but I want to make sure we stay connected on both levels...divine AND human.  This is REAL.

For now, I do my yoga almost every morning.  I write 800 words - sometimes WAY more (I did over 1600 a couple of days ago), sometimes a bit less.  I sketch and paint for Suzi's class.  I continue to look for fabrics for the Artistic Mothers Group.  I create and release.

My current sketch/painting I'm working on.

It is an odd way to be -- this freedom flight yet involvement with the mundane.

The kids have been pestering me almost daily to watch another "kids show".  I am certainly not opposed to t.v.  However, like quoted in the movie we watched last night (Ironic, eh?!), The Peaceful Warrior, it is the habit that is the problem.  I want this addiction to the t.v. to stop.  So this morning, I took our Fearless Paintings and created a new environment in the room.

I love the feeling it evokes every time I see them.  The kids?  Eh, they'll get used to it.  (We'll see what happens when hubby gets home as well!)

So I float on - releasing into the waves, flailing around every now and then when I lose trust in what is, just

It is this process which I know I am to write about, to share.  I think it is this honest, vulnerable process that often gets lost - whether because we don't have the words to share it or whether we are too scared to admit that we have no idea where we are or where we are going.

For now, I have lost the words.  So I'll go sit some more, live some more, and will be back to share with you as the process evolves.


  1. i love your current painting/
    her wild & alive hair
    & awake & beautiful face!!
    sending love

  2. I just wrote a really great comment that didn't go through...;(
    Oh well the just of it was that as human bings, I think we are being challenged to find that balance between the mundane and the blissful. Many people are still stuck in that mundane world and never get to totally emerse themselves in the ocean of bliss that is available to us. Then there are the pioneers, lik eyou and me, who are making new trails, one little step at a time.
    I think tv as art is a brilliant idea at least some of the day !!!
    Go Bliss or go bust, my Pioneer friend.
    Big Love !

  3. lol, love the TV art stand, so great!!! love your pouring out of you here, so refreshing.

  4. You ROCK! Love your journal drawing. She's beautiful! I totally hear you on the TV issue- it's a magnet for kids. And there isnt a lot of great stuff for them to watch. When I ask my son,11, to go play outside, I swear sometimes he thinks it's punnishment.
    Have TV Free days! They get stickers if they can do it... or an outdoor toy, or a trip to that free water park place near your house.
    Lastly, like I said yesterday..... float in that open sea- feel the lightness of your body- gaze up into the sky and enjoy. We dont always have to have stimulus. Society makes us think we do, but really, riding the waves is a lot more fun. xoxoxo

  5. Stunning painting - I so wish I had flowing red hair like her. She looks so FREE. Love your inclusion of the artwork in the tv room. Hope it works as you have planned! :) Theresa

  6. your painting (s) are fantabulous!! seriously, love the RED. :) Very brave and bold. which is perfect.

    I admire what you are doing, the journey never ends eh? which makes like so GOOD.

    Also- I love the art-tv.

    I am a firm believer that too much tv is bad. however, perhaps it is time to shut off the computer, or at least relegate computer time- an hour an evening. you have inspired me.

  7. Eco Yogini: Thank you! Brave and bold is where I'm trying to be...and re: the art-tv? I can only hope I inspire my family too b/c I like it this way! Hah!

    Indie Grrl: Oh, don't I know it! You would have thought I was the worst mom in the world the way the kids were reacting to not being able to watch t.v. Sheesh. And here's to riding that wave...and the energy vortex from the chat! Whee!

    (I've been able to email everyone else - thanks for the comments!)

  8. I am SO glad to have sisters along this journey toward wholeness, self awareness, body awareness, wild & crazy creativity, etc. You inspire me!

    I seriously need to do some fearless painting with my kids!

  9. This post, just like the last like it, has so much raw power in it! This is your time and such a beautiful time for creation. You are becoming who you were meant to be - who you ALREADY ARE! I absolutely love it! Blessing to you!

  10. Your kids are VERY talented... just like mom!! Love the TV art... my hubby wouldn't appreciate that but thankfully we have a living room WITHOUT a TV that we can artify any old way we want!