Letting go. Two little words that can evoke so much fear.
I had no idea that day in the car when I decided to let the pooch over my waistband what I was doing. I had no idea that hitting "publish post" would connect me with so many going through the same issues. And most importantly, I had no idea the effect that the seemingly simple act was going to have.
Perhaps it was just fortuitous timing - who knows. But when I let go of my tummy, I let go of so many other aspects of my being as well...aspects that were no longer serving me. It has released me into a way of living that is simultaneous terrifying and peaceful and exhilarating.
I have been faced to force those judgments and beliefs that were protecting and directing me through life. They are creations that I had deemed logically unfit to hold many years ago but were somehow still imprinted into my being. Everywhere I look now, every step I take, I realize that which I was relying on before as my guides were simply constructs I'd created....constructs that were false and actually harming me.
I am floating now in a huge ocean holding onto nothing.
I feel lost because I have no direction but because there is no direction, I cannot be lost.
I feel as though I am drowning in the awareness of all the possibility, the vastness of what is, and yet because this vastness is all there is, I cannot drown beyond it.
I feel unsure of how to proceed in the mundane world without losing touch with this sense of blissful exploration with which I've been blessed, but because this mundane world and the free-flying divinity are all that exists I am already proceeding - uncertain or not.
I have so much more to say on this but am hoping to break it up into different posts - I don't want to drown you as well!! This entire process seems so unintelligible, so "out there"...and yet, it is my life. It is happening right alongside the kids' fits, the bank account being drained, and the dog puking on the wood floor. No intentions of grossing you out, but I want to make sure we stay connected on both levels...divine AND human. This is REAL.
For now, I do my yoga almost every morning. I write 800 words - sometimes WAY more (I did over 1600 a couple of days ago), sometimes a bit less. I sketch and paint for Suzi's class. I continue to look for fabrics for the Artistic Mothers Group. I create and release.
My current sketch/painting I'm working on.
It is an odd way to be -- this freedom flight yet involvement with the mundane.
The kids have been pestering me almost daily to watch another "kids show". I am certainly not opposed to t.v. However, like quoted in the movie we watched last night (Ironic, eh?!), The Peaceful Warrior, it is the habit that is the problem. I want this addiction to the t.v. to stop. So this morning, I took our Fearless Paintings and created a new environment in the room.
I love the feeling it evokes every time I see them. The kids? Eh, they'll get used to it. (We'll see what happens when hubby gets home as well!)
So I float on - releasing into the waves, flailing around every now and then when I lose trust in what is, just ....living.
It is this process which I know I am to write about, to share. I think it is this honest, vulnerable process that often gets lost - whether because we don't have the words to share it or whether we are too scared to admit that we have no idea where we are or where we are going.
For now, I have lost the words. So I'll go sit some more, live some more, and will be back to share with you as the process evolves.